I wonder if other people, “normal” people have first memories of their Mother’s cuddling them, playing with other children, laughing, being happy. Not that I don’t have some beautiful memories but it seems as though the cursed depressed allow these negative memories to run through the mind or stuff them so deep they are able to control our actions throughout life. How did I forget to block them out, take care of them while others seem to have mastered this skill?
Quite honestly I tucked many of these memories away, safely in the soft downy parts of my brain, for last 25 years. Hope, my therapist, gently dragged them kicking and screaming out of my mind and into the air that resonates in her dark windowless office. I wonder if everyone’s memories lurk in that small, dark and seemingly peaceful office. How do they escape? How does Dr. Hope prevent herself from breathing them all in and allowing them to take over her mind?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Discredit...what?
It is amazing how often one word can be used to discredit a person entirely. CRAZY! I hear it many times a day, in person, on t.v., at work. It almost as though some people chose to use it simply because they feel threatened by another person, most often a women.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day One Over - Your Turn
Yesterday I hit send on my very first blog and took a small step towards vanity and an even larger step towards freedom! After a few kind words from newly formed facebook friends and one awesome person that decided to follow my blog; my mind was racing with stories and ideas to share!! Well, I should have written them down because like tiny bubbles most of these ideas popped right out of my head!
Although, one thought continues to linger and stick to my brain like a piece of fuzz you can't get off your shirt.
I keep wondering what you would do if you were in my position at the DMV? Did I have a moral obligation to be honest on the application? Was I fooling myself? Have you ever been in a situation similar to mine? How would you protect a friend or family member if you were in "fun friends" position?
Although, one thought continues to linger and stick to my brain like a piece of fuzz you can't get off your shirt.
I keep wondering what you would do if you were in my position at the DMV? Did I have a moral obligation to be honest on the application? Was I fooling myself? Have you ever been in a situation similar to mine? How would you protect a friend or family member if you were in "fun friends" position?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A Hodgepodge Beginning
It is a scary place to begin writing about my struggles with depression and how a diagnosis of "mentally ill" landed me in a psychiatric hospital and changed my life for better and for worse. So, I will begin writing and see if my first blog takes us to an interesting place. My stories will be out there for the public to read, judge, comment and criticize because as we all know the subject it still taboo and well.....most people have strong opinions about the sensitive subject of mental illness.
I still cringe when I go to the dentist, dermatologist or join a new fitness program. I know the dreaded question "what prescription medications are you currently taking" is bound to surface! I can hardly remember the names let alone the spelling of all the generic medications that I take. Quite frankly the last thing that I want to do is share with the family dentist or my new fitness trainer that I am "crazy". I can feel their stares, hear the condescending tone and see the judgment on their faces. I want to gently tell them that I take these medications but I am not crazy...I am smart, successful and intuitive!
I know that I am not crazy and neither are You but I can't help wondering what the unknowing will think! For those who do not know us or are afraid to seek help please understand that we are successful Doctors, Lawyers, Professors, Poets, Musicians, Administrative Assistants and Homemakers. More often than being recognized for our unique perspective, artistic abilities and other success we are labeled criminals and felons.
Burned into my brain is the day that I had to renew my driver’s license after my little stay in the Psych Ward. I was sitting in an abnormally deserted and eerily quite DMV with one of my more wild and fun friends. My “fun friend” carries a different set of morals than myself which is one of the many reasons I love her, she shares a different perspective on life and how boring to only be friends with people exactly life you. Anyway, I was completing the renewal application, my mind a little fuzzy from incorrect medications, and OH NO right under have you ever been convicted of a felony...... is..... Have you been treated for a psychiatric disorder within the last six months?
My heart skipped a beat, I could feel my body tense up like I had been kicked in the stomach and my face go from pale white to a hot beet red. What should I say; will I have to confess my sins to the government? To the entire world? Will this ever go away? Does seeking treatment for depression make me an unfit driver, unsafe behind the wheel, a criminal, a killer? What about all of the people with mental issues that do not seek help....they are out there driving around!! What will happen if I lie BUT worse what will happen if I tell the truth? I HATE to be lied too thus I despise to lie. I knew I was a competent and safe driver but with a mental illness it would need to be determined if I was sane enough to judge this for myself. The label of crazy can often lead to a loss of freedom so who would want to condemn themselves to this fate? I turned to my friend for guidance and she mutters in a stern voice "Don't you DARE check YES!!!"
I still cringe when I go to the dentist, dermatologist or join a new fitness program. I know the dreaded question "what prescription medications are you currently taking" is bound to surface! I can hardly remember the names let alone the spelling of all the generic medications that I take. Quite frankly the last thing that I want to do is share with the family dentist or my new fitness trainer that I am "crazy". I can feel their stares, hear the condescending tone and see the judgment on their faces. I want to gently tell them that I take these medications but I am not crazy...I am smart, successful and intuitive!
I know that I am not crazy and neither are You but I can't help wondering what the unknowing will think! For those who do not know us or are afraid to seek help please understand that we are successful Doctors, Lawyers, Professors, Poets, Musicians, Administrative Assistants and Homemakers. More often than being recognized for our unique perspective, artistic abilities and other success we are labeled criminals and felons.
Burned into my brain is the day that I had to renew my driver’s license after my little stay in the Psych Ward. I was sitting in an abnormally deserted and eerily quite DMV with one of my more wild and fun friends. My “fun friend” carries a different set of morals than myself which is one of the many reasons I love her, she shares a different perspective on life and how boring to only be friends with people exactly life you. Anyway, I was completing the renewal application, my mind a little fuzzy from incorrect medications, and OH NO right under have you ever been convicted of a felony...... is..... Have you been treated for a psychiatric disorder within the last six months?
My heart skipped a beat, I could feel my body tense up like I had been kicked in the stomach and my face go from pale white to a hot beet red. What should I say; will I have to confess my sins to the government? To the entire world? Will this ever go away? Does seeking treatment for depression make me an unfit driver, unsafe behind the wheel, a criminal, a killer? What about all of the people with mental issues that do not seek help....they are out there driving around!! What will happen if I lie BUT worse what will happen if I tell the truth? I HATE to be lied too thus I despise to lie. I knew I was a competent and safe driver but with a mental illness it would need to be determined if I was sane enough to judge this for myself. The label of crazy can often lead to a loss of freedom so who would want to condemn themselves to this fate? I turned to my friend for guidance and she mutters in a stern voice "Don't you DARE check YES!!!"
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